i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Be still, my beating vagina.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
