i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
