i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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