what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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