He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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