wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
