i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
