Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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