Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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