I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
