And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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