Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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