How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
