Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
