Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
