the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
