haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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