I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
