I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
