the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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