Yo dont text me then not text me
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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