He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
