Don't make out with my wife yet
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
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They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
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You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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