I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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