The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
