Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
