remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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