just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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