I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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