can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
