Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Randomize
