Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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