wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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