Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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