i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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