i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
