she woke up with a sticky ear
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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