Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
