I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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