so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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