I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
