It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
