then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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