did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I forget how to act sober
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
