its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
