spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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