woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
