he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
