So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
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Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
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Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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