EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
