Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
