There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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