i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
