Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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