So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
