a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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